My Last Prayer

So it was August of 2011 that I prayed my last real prayer.  Yeah I’ve done lil fake prayers at church, and when we bless food with other Christians.  But the one in August of 2011 was the last sincere prayer from my heart.

I was at an evangelical service called Harvest America with my wife, kids, and the rest of the church breathen.  I did another blog post on this event called the draw of an evangelistic service, so these two post maybe somewhat overlapping.  Even though I mentioned this last prayer in that last post.  I wanted to go a little deeper into, so that others could understand.

I use to pray that God would reveal himself to me.  To remove doubt.  To provide some kind of proof/evidence.  That he would speak to me or provide some type of sign.  At that point in my walk of faith, I would’ve taken anything from God.  Yet, no sign, signal, proof, evidence, or audible revealed itself to me.

I remember the feeling before I made my last prayer…the feeling of wanting to be saved.  The feeling of belonging and being loved by a community of believers.  I could have walked down and believed and confessed and prayed all I wanted.  But that doesn’t make the Christian God anymore real than me believing in the Easter Bunny or Santa Clause.  Just because a person chooses to believe in God, doesn’t make God exist by default.

The problem was, If I was to be saved and believed again.  I would be back in the same place, with all the same unanswered questions and doubts.  What answer would I give as proof or explanation for God’s existence to another atheist if I ever did come across one.  What good is it to believe something if you really don’t have a good reason to believe or you can’t adequately explain WHY? you believe.  Thats why in my last prayer, I didn’t just want to believe for myself, I wanted proof & belief for others and myself.  And then I thought to myself and prayed this to myself, that I ever become a christian again or believed in God again.  I don’t want it to be just for me.  I want it to be that I may able to give a reasonable answer to any atheist or unbeliever so that they be able to believe too.  What good does it do, if only I believe, but I can’t give a reason or proof for belief.  Belief in God has to be more than an emotional appeal for it to be true.

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About M. Rodriguez

When I first received Christ salvation, I made it a priority to read the whole bible and I did. But it was the Bible that made me question my faith. For I found it flawed and lacking. Due to this I launched a personal inquiry/investigation into my faith, and ultimately realized that the Christian God of the Bible was indeed man-made. Now I Blog about those findings and life after Christ.
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6 Responses to My Last Prayer

  1. unklee says:

    Marcus,

    I find it difficult to respond to this post, because I don’t want to keep on saying the same old things. But watching you go through this process of no longer believing, it has always seemed to me as an outsider that the evidence and your faith, or lack of it, have never been very connected. When I first came to your blog, you were a doubting believer, but you didn’t seem to have strong reasons to believe, you just believed anyway. Your belief was based on the Bible, but you didn’t seem to have any reasons to believe the Bible was true, let alone inerrant.

    When you finally announced you were no longer a christian believer, it seemed to me that you were simply recognising what had happened inside your head which had little to do with a re-assesment of the evidence. You recognised that the Bible wasn’t inerrant, and so you no longer could believe it. All other evidence, all other views of the Bible, seemed irrelevant. You didn’t even seem willing to challenge your assumption that if God was true, the Bible would be inerrant, that was just a given.

    I hope this doesn’t sound rude, it is just how things seemed to me. But my point is this. If you didn’t believe in the first place because of evidence, and your disbelief is based not on the evidence but on a view of the Bible that isn’t based on evidence and which you haven’t really challenged, then I can’t see the possibility of anything changing, unless God does indeed appear to you in some amazing way. If he did, then presumably you’d belief despite knowing the Bible isn’t inerrant.

    So why not challenge that assumption now? Why not look at all the evidence both ways without any assumptions about what God ought to have done? I think God will often convince us in quiet ways, but we have to go part way to meet him, not just sit in our assumptions and ask him to do something amazing.

    I am not sure I understand you, or that I have expressed myself very well, but I hope all that makes sense. Thanks, and best wishes.

    • arkenaten says:

      Sheesh, for someone who is often at pains to stress that they have an objective viewpoint re: your rather silly religion your rationale gets progressively more theologically polemic.
      “I hope this doesn’t sound rude, it is just how things seemed to me. ”
      Well,….quite frankly it is very rude. This is Marcus’ blog where he is trying to explain why he STOPPED believing in your invisible friend and the accompanying doctrinal crap.. He is not tacitly asking your or anyone else’s permission. He has already made his decision, irrespective of what you may believe. or like to read into his posts.

      Enlightenment comes from understanding why the bible and all its related nonsense is absolute crap and the last thing he is likely to do is ask for forgiveness and scurry back to the septic embrace of religion.
      Rather than continue to try and challenge Marcus’ new found freedom or his (in your mind) dubious reasons for deconverting, why not go and try to truly understand why you continue to Kowtow to a man-god and his dogma?

      • M. Rodriguez says:

        It’s okay,

        I have never taken Unklee’s comments as rude or offense. I understand where he is coming from, He has been one of my frequent commenters and followers on the blog. And one of my longest. HE actually did a guest post for me a while back. So I always appreciate his comments and insight.

        But to answer your question Unklee, I did spend some time examining the alternative views, However I could find myself, standing on a religious ground that seemed at times subjective and shakey.

        I know most of my post were on inerrancy and the bible. However, Even though I did not do a post on the various other areas of the aspect of God, I did read and study up about them. I did read up on other arguments/reasons like (objective) morality, ontology of God, epistemology and how much can we truly know about God, and Causailtiy. I even read a lil on existentilism and religion. (Which is very interesting topic, i actually might do a post on it later.)

        In fact when I sent my wife, pastor, and elder a summary on why I no longer believe. It was a 6 section word document, which probably totaled about 16-19 pages.
        1. Bible Contradictions
        2. History of Christiainity and the bible
        3. Biblical atrocities and morality
        4. The character of God
        5. Unanswered Prayer
        6. Science

        So these were topics I also studied but I did not do a post on. However, I will probably put sections on my blog in bits. Some of them need a little more fine-tuning before putting up, and it needs to be put up in sections.

        Another one is the Perfection of God, I spent time studying and reading about the philosphical, ontolgoical, and biblical perspective God. And the differeent aspects like what it means, and does it contradict. I’ve been working on this post series a LONG LONG while now, and I am alost done. It was supposed to be only four post long, but it will probably be 7 or 8 post long. So keep a look at for that one.

  2. I liked your post and I liked Unklee’s response as well. I said the exact same prayer about a year and a half ago, with the exact same results. I guess that was when I quit believing in Jesus and Yahweh and the Holy Spirit – (the trinity is very confusing for me anyway). I guess I still believe there is a God, but I am pretty sure we can’t have a “personal relationship” with him and I doubt that he is involved in our world – maybe he is off doing other things, creating new universes. But unlike you, I still pray every night, saying “God, if you are there, I am here and I’d love to talk/listen/get to know you, whatever. I figure it is the least I can do, like if I had an estranged father who for some reason never showed up but I was told that this is his address, I would keep sending him Christmas cards every year, just in case.

  3. unklee says:

    Marcus, thanks for your comment. I appreciate your response, and the opportunity to continue to explore our different beliefs and attitudes.

    TJ Luschen, you must be a very persistent person and I admire you for that. I hope one night he answers. : )

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