I have realized that I have not revealed much about my personal life of current emotional or mental or spiritual mindset.
So here are few things that have changed within me internally. I no longer pray and YES I have tried, but I actually feel silly talking to myself in the hope that God will here me and answer. In fact in all honesty this was actually one of the first things I ceased doing spiritually. I’ve tried to pray, but i have never been very good on the ONE WAY conversation.
Another thing that has changed, I now listen to secular music in my car. I have not listened to secular music on radio in 7 years. I stopped listening to worldly and secular when I became a christian because I felt that listening fo worldly music did not glorify God. Only in my car, because my wife does not know the depths of my skepticism and doubt.
I no longer have a desire to witness or tell people about God or Jesus. I’ve even noticed my communications have become more worldly, (especially with my co-workers.) No I’m not cursing and talking about lustful things. But let me give you an example: One of my co-workers is going through a very rough patch in his marriage. Instead me giving some type of Godly advice, I gave worldly advice. Advice that had nothing to do with God or the Bible.
I still read my bible and with as much frequency as did before this all started, however the difference is how I read my bible. Before I read my bible for the sole purpose of edification and wanting to learn more about God and wanting to be closer to him. Now when I read, I am conscious of finding errors, contradictions, and immoral behavior. Like some may say, – I have taken off my God Glasses.