My BitterSweet WeekEnd -Part 1

So this past weekend, was the youth conference for our church.  It was held at another Church much larger than ours and  about an hour south of us.

Going into this conference, I had mixed feelings.  Even though I knew it was supposed to be a youth conference for the kids, these types of things are always emotional, because they are salvation driven.

I was thinking to myself that if a God does exist, this will probably be his last shot to prove or show his existence to me.  I even said a prayer, along the lines, that God if you want me to believe in you.  Make me believe.  Which is somewhat unusual prayer, because I have never ever been so bold to demand something of God, but this time I did.  Kind of as last-ditch effort to test and see his existence.

*Now just to set a few things straight, any reference I make to or about God is for the Judeo-Christian God, the God of the Bible, not just any generic god. (So Sorry F.S.M.)

So there we are at the conference, all the youth and chaperones.  We had already prayed, signed in and got our shirts.  And I had asked a several youth to sign the bag they gave all of us.  And when I got the bag back.  It said.  Marcus is Sad, Marcus is Happy. Thanks Marcus for Everything.  U are awesome.

And this was my First Bittersweet moment at the conference, because It brought a huge smile to my face and joy in my heart; but I knew a month from now I could very well no longer be their youth leader.  And that all this time we have all spent together, will no longer mean anything.  And knowing that if they enjoy the conference and everything goes well, I will not be the one returning with them.

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About M. Rodriguez

When I first received Christ salvation, I made it a priority to read the whole bible and I did. But it was the Bible that made me question my faith. For I found it flawed and lacking. Due to this I launched a personal inquiry/investigation into my faith, and ultimately realized that the Christian God of the Bible was indeed man-made. Now I Blog about those findings and life after Christ.
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12 Responses to My BitterSweet WeekEnd -Part 1

  1. Jack says:

    Hey! The time you’ve invested in your youth will always mean something. Of course, I only know you from your blog, but something tells me that your students have learned quite a lot from you. The time and energy that you’ve invested in them will only grow in it’s value to them, AND to you! And though you may not be the one to take them to the conference next year, I can bet that they’ll have fond memories of that bag, and the time you spent with them this year! As a former youth pastor, I can tell you that you’ll be surprised somewhere down the road, you’ll get an email, or a phone call, telling you just how greatly you impacted your youth. Whether or not God showed up as you hope, just know that you’ve made an investment in your kids that will come back to you in great ways!

  2. I remember this feeling. I remember, as I was losing my faith, crying out to God. I thought of all the famous quotations I’d heard – “Lord I believe. Help my unbelief.” I prayed it with fervour. I thought of a Christian magazine article which said that if you asked, God would reveal Himself to me.

    Whatever anyone else says, I know I had genuine faith as a child and young adult. I know I sought God earnestly. I know I didn’t give up on him easily. And I know that when I did the Biblical ask, seek, knock, I found nothing. I had faith, and I wanted to believe in God. You can’t use either of those arguments against me. It was an agonising time; I feel for you.

    I’m not the only one. So Christians, you have to answer this: Does God not exist, or does God simply not want some people to know Him?

    • I think for me I am definitely passed the point of crying out to God, and asking for a sign or anything. I think I could say I have come to grips with the unbelief and lack of true substance of Christianity. I think I have come full circle in coming to the emotional grips of losing faith.

      now for me, it about coming out the secret atheist closet. Because outside of my sister, I have told nobody.

  3. I went to last week’s pastor’s conference for my denomination’s annual convention praying something similar, “god, if you are real, prove it to me…I need you to prove yourself to me” as I entered into each worship time. Sadly I think the emotional and intellectual disconnect had already taken place. There were times I was able to force myself into feeling somewhat “spiritual”, but I think it was more an emotional want to though. Next week is VBS and youth camp for me as a chaperone in a couple of weeks, and I’m not really looking forward to either at this point.
    Once again my friend, you are not alone in this journey.

  4. Oh My! The times that I’ve said ‘right God, prove yourself!’ only to realise that if there is a God, then that’s really not the way he (she?) works. To paraphrase the great Douglas Adams said ‘proof denies faith, and without faith (God) is nothing’. OK, he he was poking fun, but I still can appreciate the sentiment!

  5. dsholland says:

    It is a difficult thing to carry the responsibility for faith. You can’t feel it and it seems like a big lie. For me this is death and resurrection. I heard Richard Wumrbrand talk about having nothing left, no dogma, no doctrine, no “truth”. It is an incredibly scary and lonely place. If you can only trust, just trust, you can come out on the other side whole.
    And there is evidence that you can both trust and make it through. History, literature and your own life have shown this to be the case.
    Just trust, He does care. Just trust.

    • hello dsholland,

      I enjoy your comments and I appreciate them, but the more I do examine history, literature, science, and my own personal life, the more I realize that the world is much more bigger than the christian bubble.

      And you know what that christian bubble is, every true believer knows what the bubble is and lives in it.

  6. wow…it’s been a few weeks since taking time to stop by…wow, it just brings back so many emotions and memories. I don’t know what to say, in one sense I share similar convictions. But I know that the burden of detangling from faith is not an easy road.

  7. Pingback: My De-Conversion on a Matter of Doubt Podcast | The BitterSweet End

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