So on the Second Day of this two-day conference, all the kids were really excited, because the conference ended early at like 11:30 AM and we were going to the beach afterwards. So we had the rest of the day to ourselves.
So on the way home, me and the other male Chaperone; we were both talking about the conference, the good and the bad. We were also talking Christian discipleship and how it applies to the Teen Youth. We talked about Salvation, Christian Music, Doctrine, and a Sinful Nature It was a very Christian conversation, I even shocked and amazed myself, about how so easily I could trick my mind into thinking, what I was saying was spiritually true.
I remember in a point of the conversation I said, “The greatest deception the devil has played on people, is for them to think that because they said some prayer when they were like 8 or 9 that they are saved. And because of this prayer, they are going to go to heaven. And that the second greatest deception is to think they are going to get in because they are a good person.”
And I said this with passion. Oh, how emotionally I was taken away at this point in the conversation. I even started to rationalize to myself that I could still serve as youth leader in the church even if I don’t believe in the Bible or the God of the Bible. I was in full Christian mode at this point of time, talking about discipleship, the Holy Spirit, and salvation. Personally I loved the conversation, but I hated myself for the emotional roller coaster of lying to myself and the other chaperone and all the other people who I felt like I was deceiving over the entirety of the weekend. In my heart, this blog felt so far away, but in my mind, I was trying to justify keeping my atheist/agnostic doubts and my secret Christian lifestyle. Because in my heart I want to keep both, but a slow and steady realization was starting to creep in that…keeping both would be emotionally impossible in the long run.
After dropping off everyone I headed straight home to the misses. And the fraud inside of me, just kept on growing. It was like an uncontrollable monster, but instead of scaring people, it wanted to talk about the God and Christian things.
I get home and I go on telling my wife about how the Holy Spirit was moving at the conference and how great the concert was. That even though the spirit was moving. The conference was somewhat lacking in some areas. It had somewhat missed the emotional tipping point of going from everyday worship to an emotional & spiritual breakthrough. An emotional breakthrough that takes basic worship to, ‘I surrender all to you Lord’. I felt the kids didn’t get to that point of changing it from simple worshiping God to I surrender everything Lord. I went on and on, like there was an actual Holy Spirit, even though I knew good and well that there was no such thing as a spiritual breakthrough, but what I was referring to was an emotional breakdown of the youth, where their emotions got so strong that they were emotionally and mentally carried away by the music and the moment that they could be brought to tears.
And knowing all this, I continued to play into the Christian role, even though I didn’t believe one word coming out of my mouth. This I couldn’t even consider my final BitterSweet moment of the weekend. It would be unjustly for me to call it anything other than Christian Fraud.