For the most part this entire process has been nearly painless. (Which is probably due to the reason that I have not told a soul except my sister.) Yeah there have been a few restless nights, with me tossing and turning with my emotions being all stirred up. The restless nights of doubt and skepticism running through my mind. The migraines of over-thinking of trying to rationalize my faith with reason and logic. The guilt of no longer believing.
Like I said all internal; but once I came to the realization that the Bible is too inconsistent and contradictory to be reliable. And that the concept of the Biblical God is too flawed for him to actually exist. And that there is life after Christianity. Everything inside of me emotionally and mentally settled, but for the most part this was the extent to my emotional turmoil; (like I said -mostly trouble-free.)
But now I must face the reality of telling my family, friends, and my church brethren.
Now when I see one of the Youth or Parents of the Youth it breaks my heart to be deceiving them.
And I know now, that if don’t express my internal skepticism now it will only be more difficult in the future, because the church is now starting a Young Adults Group, with people already expecting me to attend the meeting in support. The pastor is already talking about having an official ordination in August, so that way my title will be officially Youth Pastor instead of Youth Leader.
I can almost see the future, and if I don’t express the unbelief inside me now; -It will only be worst in the future.