So it was August of 2011 that I prayed my last real prayer. Yeah I’ve done lil fake prayers at church, and when we bless food with other Christians. But the one in August of 2011 was the last sincere prayer from my heart.
I was at an evangelical service called Harvest America with my wife, kids, and the rest of the church breathen. I did another blog post on this event called the draw of an evangelistic service, so these two post maybe somewhat overlapping. Even though I mentioned this last prayer in that last post. I wanted to go a little deeper into, so that others could understand.
I use to pray that God would reveal himself to me. To remove doubt. To provide some kind of proof/evidence. That he would speak to me or provide some type of sign. At that point in my walk of faith, I would’ve taken anything from God. Yet, no sign, signal, proof, evidence, or audible revealed itself to me.
I remember the feeling before I made my last prayer…the feeling of wanting to be saved. The feeling of belonging and being loved by a community of believers. I could have walked down and believed and confessed and prayed all I wanted. But that doesn’t make the Christian God anymore real than me believing in the Easter Bunny or Santa Clause. Just because a person chooses to believe in God, doesn’t make God exist by default.
The problem was, If I was to be saved and believed again. I would be back in the same place, with all the same unanswered questions and doubts. What answer would I give as proof or explanation for God’s existence to another atheist if I ever did come across one. What good is it to believe something if you really don’t have a good reason to believe or you can’t adequately explain WHY? you believe. Thats why in my last prayer, I didn’t just want to believe for myself, I wanted proof & belief for others and myself. And then I thought to myself and prayed this to myself, that I ever become a christian again or believed in God again. I don’t want it to be just for me. I want it to be that I may able to give a reasonable answer to any atheist or unbeliever so that they be able to believe too. What good does it do, if only I believe, but I can’t give a reason or proof for belief. Belief in God has to be more than an emotional appeal for it to be true.