Its the little things

For those who know me I typically don’t blog too much on personal matters, and that’s really just my temperament.  And thats also how I deal with people in the real world.  However this is something I feel like venting about.     

That it’s the little things in our life & relationship, that really show how much we have grown apart at times.  And like any relationship or marriage, we have our ups and our downs.  However, the ups are just not as frequent or as enjoyable as they use to be.  And it’s not just that there are more downs than ups.  It’s that the high moments of joy that were used to repair those down moments in our relationship are not getting it done like they use to.

Most Sundays I still go to church with my wife, but every once a while i stay home, cause I need a break from the non-sense of religion.  Of course it bothers her, because she never thought she would be one of those women that would come to church on Sundays, while their unbelieving husband stays home.  So this is a hard life transition for her as well as me. 

*******

About two years ago, My wife bought me a key chain for Father’s day,  On the key chain was a scripture that she knew I loved, “As for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.” (Joshua 24:15)  So much so that I even had it painted on the wall for a while in one of the back bedrooms when we first moved into our house.  She knew it was one of my favorite scriptures, and one that stood on.  A few days ago I took that piece off my key chain, and my wife found it lying around the house.  And when she found it, I can tell she was very upset.  She didn’t yell or scream.  She was just upset in silence.

I could go and on about the little things affect the day-to-days of our relationship, (I.E.: The Issues of watching T.V., Respect, Home-Schooling, Our friends that are more now her friends)  But really out of all the little things, it’s the gapping whole of the #1 thing we both loved and had in common and now lost…..Our Faith.

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About M. Rodriguez

When I first received Christ salvation, I made it a priority to read the whole bible and I did. But it was the Bible that made me question my faith. For I found it flawed and lacking. Due to this I launched a personal inquiry/investigation into my faith, and ultimately realized that the Christian God of the Bible was indeed man-made. Now I Blog about those findings and life after Christ.
This entry was posted in christian faith, church, confusion, emotions, marriage, religion and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

17 Responses to Its the little things

  1. exrelayman says:

    A sad post Marcus. I continue to wish the best for you and her, but this sounds discouraging. I choose not to comment much, usually don’t have anything to say that I feel legitimately adds anything, but I just thought I would share how touched I am by your situation and that I read all of your posts and applaud your ability to free your mind from the cult think that prevails in our society.

    A small point regarding your manifesto: perhaps divine hidden-ness would be a rather significant 7th point? – though I can see how this could possibly be concluded from the unanswered prayer point. OK, I’m gonna shut up now. I sent you some 30 or so points a while back. No need to hit on them again! And the manifesto was a worthy effort.

    The secret is not how to avoid the storm. The secret is learning that you can dance in the rain.

  2. Neil Rickert says:

    No, it is not the little things. It is the big things.

    To your wife, that key chain is a big thing. And, for that matter, your rejection of Christianity is a big thing.

    May I suggest that you restore the key chain to its previous state, even if only for the sentimental value that it holds for your wife.

  3. Ouch. This speaks to me. As you know, we’re in a similar situation. No one ever imagines that people will change, but we do. We all do, all the time, but usually in small ways that aren’t too significant.

    I’m afraid you’re the one who’s changed, so you have some tough choices ahead. The really big one is what matters more to you – your marriage or being right/following your conscience. There’s no good answer, but that’s the situation we find ourselves in. You need to compromise on something.

    That’s not to say you can guarantee that everything will work out if you do the right thing, but you need to do what you can. One thing I think is very important is to talk about it, and show that you understand how painful and difficult this must be for your wife.

    Anyway, just my two cents, feel free to ignore.

  4. ... Zoe ~ says:

    I was two years before I had the courage to slowly and gently share my “change” with my husband. When finished he told me he loved me not matter what I believed. “I love you Zoe.”

    I went to take down a God Bless Our Home decorative wall hanging a year or so after that and he thought he’d rather keep it up, so I relocated it to the t.v. room where he watches t.v.. A friend made it for us.

    Now, many years later, seven, he would also consider himself to have left the faith and the wall hanging remains yet I see it being replaced anytime we wish because we’ve both moved on from our former belief.

    I’m wondering if you can acknowledge her hurt. I’m sorry. I know this must hurt. I’m not tossing it aside because I want to hurt you. As you know I don’t believe it any more. It seems hypocritical for me to carry it. I love you. I know it is important to you. May I give it to you for your key chain?

  5. Don Hartness says:

    In my bleaker moments, I wonder if marriage is even possible nowadays. In a rapidly changing world, individuals are always changing. No matter who you marry, that person is going to change, and not always in a direction you prefer. How is marriage even possible anymore?

    However, in my brighter moments, I look at what keeps marriages together. A secret I observe is while old ties are worn, frayed, and severed, new ties are formed, all while existing ties are strengthened whenever possible. Religious and non-religious folk stay married all the time: my parents are my example of this. Maybe the key is to de-emphasize the friction between your beliefs, while emphasize and strengthen the other reasons the two of you fell in love with each other?

    Have the both of you pursued marriage counseling? Highly recommended, especially before it is a clearly recognized need.

  6. anothernone says:

    I’m sorry that you are going through this right now. I believe I have mentioned to you in the past that my husband is still a believer. Fortunately, we stopped going to church about a year ago. Our biggest argument now is how to raise our kids. I want them to be free thinkers. He doesn’t know what he wants except that raising red flags with our families is not a good idea.

    I’m guessing you have already had the conversation about “not changing you mind”?

    I think Zoe is right, though. Apologize for inadvertantly hurting her in any way. Explain that this is not something you came to lightly nor do you see yourself changing your mind. If she can live with that, great. Start focusing on the positive things about each other that you love. I know it can be awkward, really, I do. Good luck. I hope this gets better for you!

  7. unkleE says:

    I’m sorry too Marcus, nothing more I can say.

  8. Margaret says:

    Marcus from one who has been married for 36 years and has left the faith and my husband has not I just want to say we have had bad times and good times and I have wanted to leave. I have hung in and worked hard to improve our relationship and yes it is not perfect but the good times are starting to be more than the bad times. I am sorry you are going through this.

  9. limey says:

    Ouch. I sympathise with this one.

    I can’t add anything to what has already been said, I do feel that I understand some elements of this post and the emotions behind it.

    Like Recovering Agnostic, this speaks to me too.

  10. Howie says:

    Marcus, there isn’t too much advice I could give, but I do hope that things improve quickly. I think others here have offerred some very good advice. Not sure it helps but I want to remind you of friends I have who have figured out how to make your kind of situation work out well. There’s usually an adjustment period that may seem long and tough at times, so keep in mind that it gets better.

  11. Nate says:

    You’ve gotten some great comments here, Marcus, and I don’t think there’s anything else I can add. I’m very sorry you guys are going through this, but I firmly believe you can come out the other side stronger, if you keep working at it. Good luck.

  12. sunofmysoul says:

    One of the hardest things about a shift in one’s paradigm of belief is if they must leave someone behind. I too had to step away from my spouse, my parents, and nearly everyone i knew in real life when my worldview changed. It was very difficult with parents. seeing them weep for the “lost lamb”, their fear that they would not see their child with them in the everlasting…the horrid thought that their child would burn for all eternity….
    When flipping it around to see it through their eyes I knew…it must be so very hard and painful to them. And yet, what was to be done? I could not very well lie. (never been good at it) In the end I concentrated on assuring them of my love, that my love for them had not changed. And that I understood their plight and pain, and let them know that they were welcome to pray for me, and that if god was who they believed him to be…could they not trust him to find a way to help me see?
    The spouse was another matter entirely. This rift between us very nearly drove us apart. He being the male was given advice to …be the leader he was supposed to be. (male dominance in its churchiest finest). Fortunately he did not take that path. He realized that any attempts to forcibly change my views would ultimately fail.
    It was an atheist that held the key to our marital survival. One who challenged me to do what seemed like a very very small thing.
    Spend at least 15 minutes a day, physically touching, put aside the computer, books, tv, pressing chores, news etc. And give your spouse a massage, touch them, let them know you are here. Look into their eyes, see them, hear them…listen…
    For that small 15 minutes, be there. With that person in a very real way.
    After that, one is left to find common interest again. and build the bridges back across with those.
    Accentuate the common bonds between you. Utilize them.
    Your spouse is probably going through all sorts of pain, and fear. Wondering what will happen….
    You have the ability to show her your love is still strong, and that losing one’s faith does not equal losing one’s humanity. quite the opposite. It enhances our relationships here. For that is what we have left.
    My best wishes to you on this continued journey. I still run into many bumps myself.
    It is not the easy path by any means.

  13. M. Rodriguez says:

    thanks everybody for your words of encouragement and advice, I initially was very hesistant on putting this post up after I wrote it, so I actually waited a few days before I actually put it up. But I think I will maybe put the keychain back, its just that for me I’m not just not sure how much of a positive effect it might have.

    • sunofmysoul says:

      Dear m, my heart hurts for you both during this transitional time. Have you really talked with her about where you are in your journey? I can understand if you feel you cannot wear the symbol anymore, but I think you need to commuunicate with her. Of your journey…and that the shedding of the symbol was not a reflection on yourlove for her…but a stage in your journey and why you feel you cannot wear it. for a relationship to survive there must ben communication

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