It was a weekday, and I had just got off work. I had got into my car to drive home, And I had made the turn out of the parking lot passing the Steak n Shake to my left. Then the thought hit me hard; mentally and emotionally…..
‘God Probably Does Not Exist…’
I waited at the light for a moment, then made the right turn onto the main street. And then thought to myself, If God does not exist, whats protecting me from getting into a car crash at this very moment? Who has been watching over me and protecting all these years of my life? Then the next thought entered into my mind.
Then I quickly rejected the thought, because I did not like it. And it scared me.
Out of all my moments in my de-conversion process this is the one that really stands out to me the most. It was the first moment that I ever truly considered that God realistically could not exist. That there was no supreme being looking out over me, watching me, and protecting me. It was a very scary thought initially, because at that moment I never really considered that God could not really exist. Yes, I doubted God, but never really considered what living in a world where God did not exist would be like. I never really considered my life without God.
As one CNN article put it, when summarizing the feeling of God being a supreme protector & comforter.
“(I) needed hope, and (I) needed to believe that there was something bigger than (myself) that would guide and protect them and keep the whole crush of life from pressing down on them.”
And this was exactly how I felt, the idea of God not existing was not only scary but it also gave me a feeling of anxiety. Thinking about it in hindsight, it is alot for someone to digest; that there whole way of thinking about thinks was wrong for 20-something years of my life. And even though it was a fleeting moment, it was the first and most vital moment into me not my faith, but into gaining insight.
This takes me back to something I wrote to one of my church elders about losing faith. “… the reality of a godless world is much more truer, than you might think. America is not becoming a godless society, we have always lived in a world without god, some of us just didn’t know it until now.” The thing about my de-conversion and this is quote is that I NEVER lost my faith.
I did not lose faith, I lost a delusion. How can I lose something I never had. It wasn’t real. It wasn’t tangible. I lost a delusion and gained insight. For example; if you are wearing Blue tinted glasses and you take them off, did you lose sight or did you gain sight?