I NEVER lost my faith; (A Fleeting Moment of Realization)

It was a weekday, and I had just got off work.  I had got into my car to drive home,  And I had made the turn out of the parking lot passing the Steak n Shake to my left.  Then the thought hit me hard; mentally and emotionally…..

‘God Probably Does Not Exist…’

I waited at the light for a moment, then made the right turn onto the main street.  And then thought to myself, If God does not exist, whats protecting me from getting into a car crash at this very moment?  Who has been watching over me and protecting all these years of my life?  Then the next thought entered into my mind.


Then I quickly rejected the thought, because I did not like it.  And it scared me.

Out of all my moments in my de-conversion process this is the one that really stands out to me the most.  It was the first moment that I ever truly considered that God realistically could not exist.  That there was no supreme being looking out over me, watching me, and protecting me.  It was a very scary thought initially, because at that moment I never really considered that God could not really exist.  Yes, I doubted God, but never really considered what living in a world where God did not exist would be like.  I never really considered my life without God.

As one CNN article put it, when summarizing the feeling of God being a supreme protector & comforter.

“(I) needed hope, and (I) needed to believe that there was something bigger than (myself) that would guide and protect them and keep the whole crush of life from pressing down on them.”

And this was exactly how I felt, the idea of God not existing was not only scary but it also gave me a feeling of anxiety.  Thinking about it in hindsight, it is alot for someone to digest; that there whole way of thinking about thinks was wrong for 20-something years of my life.  And even though it was a fleeting moment, it was the first and most vital moment into me not my faith, but into gaining insight.

This takes me back to something I wrote to one of my church elders about losing faith. “… the reality of a godless world is much more truer, than you might think.  America is not becoming a godless society, we have always lived in a world without god, some of us just didn’t know it until now.”  The thing about my de-conversion and this is quote is that I NEVER lost my faith.

I did not lose faith, I lost a delusion.  How can I lose something I never had.  It wasn’t real.  It wasn’t tangible.  I lost a delusion and gained insight.  For example; if you are wearing Blue tinted glasses and you take them off, did you lose sight or did you gain sight?

P.S. I do apologize before hand for those who are offended by the word delusion, but there is no really better word to describe faith in a religious god.  

About M. Rodriguez

When I first received Christ salvation, I made it a priority to read the whole bible and I did. But it was the Bible that made me question my faith. For I found it flawed and lacking. Due to this I launched a personal inquiry/investigation into my faith, and ultimately realized that the Christian God of the Bible was indeed man-made. Now I Blog about those findings and life after Christ.
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16 Responses to I NEVER lost my faith; (A Fleeting Moment of Realization)

  1. Tom says:

    Thanks for sharing the different parts of your story. I am in a similar situation, having just “de-converted” last winter as 29 year old husband and father of 3. I’ve been reading your blog for months and just wanted to thank you for your honesty and insight!

  2. MichaelB says:

    This is almost exactly how it happened for me, feelings and all. It really is a delusion.

  3. exrelayman says:

    The difference of our 2 responses is diametrical. My first reaction to perceiving there might not be a God was that there was no eternal damnation for anyone. What a relief!

    • M. Rodriguez says:

      Lol , that is funny and different way to look at it

    • graceone says:

      Exlay, I want to challenge you in this, and I mean no unkindness by it. I’m sharing my heart.

      Was the gospel nothing more than a fire escape to you? There are many Christian believers who are not stressing over eternal damnation either. It seems to me if the reality of God’s deep love in the incarnation is true, we can totally trust Him with anyone’s eternal destiny. God does not expect perfection.

      I think the answer is not to escape into atheism, but to go deeper in perceiving the grace of God and in appreciating the blessing of the whole creation.

      • Noel says:

        Graceone, you said “…the answer is not to escape into atheism…” This is similar to what I think many people who “deconvert” and become atheists do. They come to the conclusion that there is absolutely no God. I have experienced a lot of doubts in my personal spiritual journey, to the point of questioning Jesus’ true nature. However, I have not thought of seriously questioning God’s existence, because I think that would be assuming something greater than what my human mind can ever comprehend. How can I dismiss the possibility of the existence of an all powerful, all knowing God with my own limited human consciousness? This is why I have chosen to seek deeper and broader than what the Christian church dictates, not completely walk away from following God.

      • Howie says:

        Hi Noel,

        I’m 100% with you on the whole “limited human consciousness” thing. I’m extremely self aware of my own imperfection and ability to be wrong (I’ve been told by others that it’s a bit too much at times – lack of self-confidence I’m told). I can’t count the times I’ve thought I knew something very well when it totally turns out later on that I look back and go “how in the world did I believe something like that”. So yes that humility you express is front and center when I think about the big questions of life. But for me the conclusion is that I simply don’t know the answer to these kinds of deep “metaphysical” or “ultimate” questions. Whether or not gods or a one perfect “God” exists does seem beyond the capability of humans to know definitively at this point in the history of our existence. At least it seems beyond my own ability to know it definitively (I realize others feel differently). Further the fact that none of my 5 senses have ever interacted with a god and I sought very strongly while I was a Christian to have this “relationship” that is always talked about by believers yet that relationship never materialized leads me to lean in the direction of doubting the existence of gods. Could some exist – sure, as I said it seems beyond my ability to answer that question.

      • M. Rodriguez says:

        If you define God, by what you don’t understand, then God will always exist.

  4. Noel says:

    No offense taken. I do agree that many of the doctrines that believers hold on to are delusions. I can also identify with a lot of what you shared here. In my personal experience, it started with doubting one church, then another church, then I questioned the existence of hell, then the validity of the Bible, and finally the divinity of Jesus. At the same time, I don’t doubt that God exists, although I don’t claim to know exactly who this God is. I see evidence of an existing God in mercy, grace, forgiveness, and compassion in this world. It is unnatural to practice these qualities, but supernatural. Also I see evidence of God by looking at the universe around me and acknowledging that all of this must have a cause-less cause. I don’t think it is a delusion, although you may disagree. I also think we are delusional about the government protecting us, being patriotic to a fabricated nation, believing that street drugs are bad and psychiatric medications are good, that an “imaginary” line we see on a map actually exists, that money has value, and so forth.

    • M. Rodriguez says:

      I think for me, something really only becomes delusional is when the belief in something leaves no room to question ur own conclusion. That in this belief or non-belief of ours, that a person feels like they have so much certainty in what they believe they leave no room to truley consider other alternatives or if what they really believe is falseafiable.

      But that idea what I mentioned above is the defintion of faith as according to the bible in Hebrews 11:1. To believe something so strongly regardless of the evidence. And by definition, that is what psychologist call a delusion.

  5. Amplified Atheist says:

    Reblogged this on Amplified Atheist! and commented:
    I have been following this blog for a long time now and i thought it was time to do a little re-blog.

    Reading one person’s journey through their deconversion.

  6. Amplified Atheist says:

    Reblogged this on Amplified Atheist!.

  7. graceone says:

    It seems to me that people come to a conviction of God for differing reasons. Some may be desperately looking for hope and help from the whole crush of the world pressing down. But, others honestly feel that postulating there is an intelligent creator is simply the best and most reasonable way to explain the origin /complexity of life and the apparent fine tuning of the universe toward life from essentially nothing.

    It seems reasonable to me that both atheists and theists will have doubts about their convictions from time to time. What I can’t understand is how many non-theists can appear to be absolutely certain their beliefs are correct, and simply label all religion as delusional , the equivalent of believing there are fairies living at the bottom of a garden..

    • Howie says:

      I’m a non-theist and I don’t label all religion as delusional at all (I even made a blog post of that). The fact is I know a whole lot of non-theists who would never even think to be active on these kinds of blogs who also don’t label all religion as delusional. I think the impression of “many non-theists appearing to use this delusional label” comes from the fact that most of the non-theists that are vocal and willing to argue about this kind of stuff tend to want to speak with this kind of “strong” language to drive their point home stronger.

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