(I initially did not want to write this post, because it felt it too emotional and selfish on my behalf. But after thinking about it several days, I thought it was still too emotional and selfish, but at the same time relevant and necessary.)
About two weeks ago, on a Sunday Morning my wife and two kids, 4 and 1 years old got into a really bad car accident on the way to church…… No they were not injured, but when I came upon the accident and looked at the scene. I realized it could have been much worst. My son could of seriously been injured or worst, died, because he has this habit of if you don’t buckle all three latches on his car seat properly, like if you only do one or two he sometimes get out the car seat himself. And this he has done on several occasions. If my wife did not swerve like she did, she would have hit the other car dead on and could have caused some serious injury to herself. And then after colliding with the other car, she managed to maneuver the mini-van in-between two metals poles missing them both by mere inches before the car stopped on a patch of grass on the side of the road.
The driver side of the car was damaged so badly, it had been pushed in about 4 inches from the front of the driver side to the back of the driver side. The side view mirror sat on the ground a few feet away. The tires were flat from the damage. And my wife and kids had to exit from the other side of the car, because the doors would not open. And when I pulled up with my car, my son ran to me crying. The car was totaled, but my family was safe And fortunately the other girl in the car was uninjured as well.
Because of the event that morning, my wife asked me by special request to attend church with her. She was shaken up and so were my kids, so I decided to go. This is not why I am angry at God. While at church towards the end of the Pastors Sermon, the Pastor said he had a word for me. And he said this in front of the congregation. That the events of this morning was a sign from God. That God is calling me. Calling me to be the spiritual head of my family. He said some other things about spiritual protection. I don’t remember all what he said. My wife has told him in the past that I was an atheist, and did not believe in God. It was a pretty aggravating moment in all especially considering that this was in the middle of church service. But this STILL is not the reason why I am angry at God.
I have sometimes wondered what people would say to me, had I really lost my wife & kids. Or atleast what those who know I am an atheist would say……… “This was a sign from God, for you to be closer to him.”………………..”This happened because you weren’t under the protection of God.”………………”It was a punishment from God.”………..”God is trying to call you.”
And YET STILL, this is not the reason why I am angry at God.
The reason why I am angry at God, has nothing to do with me, or my family or anything that happened to us. It has more to do, with what did not happen to us, and what happened to another family.
About four days ago, while I work. I called my wife on my lunch break. As soon as I got on the phone with her, she gives me the BIG NEWS. “Hey!!! Kristi and Nick’s son died last night!!!” Nick and Kristi are old friends of ours. Who are both young and devout Christians who had children about the same time as us. Their son is 1 years old, about the same age as my daughter. He died in a freak accident when the T.V. on the dresser fell on him.
“What?!?! I can’t believe that.” I said in shock. “I can’t believe this happened again to them.”
For those who didn’t catch that. I said AGAIN…..Yes again, this is not the first time tragedy has struck their family. About two years ago, while at church Nick and Kristi’s oldest child died in a completely separate freak accident when she fell and cracked her cranium. She would have been four now, if she was still alive. Kristi was about 8 months pregnant at the time, with their son the one that just passed away last week. My heart cries out for their loss. I can’t believe it AGAIN. These are two God-fearing devout Christians who both loved the Lord and in less than two years, they have lost both of their children. Where was God? What plan or purpose could this possibly have?
And this is why I am angry at God.
When I look on their Facebook page, people are sending prayers, and condolences. I find this somewhat ironic considering that the brand of Christianity Nick & Kristi believe in is a somewhat fundamentalist brand were they don’t believe in Free Will. And that all things done, are done according to the Sovereign Will of God; the good and the bad. Knowing the couple, the acceptance of God’s will is comforting to them. That even though they lost their first child, they took comfort in the idea that it was all apart of God’s plan and according to his will. They truly believe this in the depths of their heart. But now just 18 months later they lose their second child, who wasn’t even 2 years old. How does one take comfort in God’s will now? How can one find comfort in God, when the God they believed in couldn’t even keep their two children safe?
I can’t help my emotions that if God was real, he would be totally & utterly useless, because he can’t even protect his own. And whats worst, is that the christian is willing to offer prayers and condolences unto God, when the question should be where was God? And how can prayer help them now? How can references to God help now, when it didn’t help them the first time they lost their daughter?
I have to admit, it is somewhat selfish of me to be angry at God, when it’s not my children who were lost; after all I’m the atheist. After all my children survived, but I want to be angry at God, even though he doesn’t exist. I want to be angry at God for not protecting Nick and Kristi’s children. For causing so much pain and hurt to Nick and Kristi. For not being there for the people who are supposed to be your followers and believers.
R.I.P. Obi and Amariah