I don’t believe in God, but I still hate him anyways

(I initially did not want to write this post, because it felt it too emotional and selfish on my behalf.  But after thinking about it several days, I thought it was still too emotional and selfish, but at the same time relevant and necessary.)

About two weeks ago, on a Sunday Morning my wife and two kids, 4 and 1 years old got into a really bad car accident on the way to church……  No they were not injured, but when I came upon the accident and looked at the scene.  I realized it could have been much worst.  My son could of seriously been injured or worst, died, because he has this habit of if you don’t buckle all three latches on his car seat properly, like if you only do one or two he sometimes get out the car seat himself.  And this he has done on several occasions.  If my wife did not swerve like she did, she would have hit the other car dead on and could have caused some serious injury to herself.  And then after colliding with the other car, she managed to maneuver the mini-van in-between two metals poles missing them both by mere inches before the car stopped on a patch of grass on the side of the road.

The driver side of the car was damaged so badly, it had been pushed in about 4 inches from the front of the driver side to the back of the driver side.  The side view mirror sat on the ground a few feet away.  The tires were flat from the damage.  And my wife and kids had to exit from the other side of the car, because the doors would not open.  And when I pulled up with my car, my son ran to me crying.  The car was totaled, but my family was safe And fortunately the other girl in the car was uninjured as well.

Because of the event that morning, my wife asked me by special request to attend church with her.  She was shaken up and so were my kids, so I decided to go.  This is not why I am angry at God.  While at church towards the end of the Pastors Sermon, the Pastor said he had a word for me.  And he said this in front of the congregation.  That the events of this morning was a sign from God.  That God is calling me.  Calling me to be the spiritual head of my family.  He said some other things about spiritual protection.  I don’t remember all what he said.  My wife has told him in the past that I was an atheist, and did not believe in God.  It was a pretty aggravating moment in all especially considering that this was in the middle of church service.  But this STILL is not the reason why I am angry at God.

I have sometimes wondered what people would say to me, had I really lost my wife & kids.  Or atleast what those who know I am an atheist would say……… “This was a sign from God, for you to be closer to him.”………………..”This happened because you weren’t under the protection of God.”………………”It was a punishment from God.”………..”God is trying to call you.”

And YET STILL, this is not the reason why I am angry at God.

The reason why I am angry at God, has nothing to do with me, or my family or anything that happened to us.  It has more to do, with what did not happen to us, and what happened to another family.

About four days ago, while I work.  I called my wife on my lunch break.  As soon as I got on the phone with her, she gives me the BIG NEWS.  “Hey!!! Kristi and Nick’s son died last night!!!”  Nick and Kristi are old friends of ours.  Who are both young and devout Christians who had children about the same time as us.  Their son is 1 years old, about the same age as my daughter.  He died in a freak accident when the T.V. on the dresser fell on him.

What?!?! I can’t believe that.”  I said in shock.  “I can’t believe this happened again to them.

For those who didn’t catch that.  I said AGAIN…..Yes again, this is not the first time tragedy has struck their family.  About two years ago, while at church Nick and Kristi’s oldest child died in a completely separate freak accident when she fell and cracked her cranium.  She would have been four now, if she was still alive.  Kristi was about 8 months pregnant at the time, with their son the one that just passed away last week.  My heart cries out for their loss.  I can’t believe it AGAIN.  These are two God-fearing devout Christians who both loved the Lord and in less than two years, they have lost both of their children.  Where was God?  What plan or purpose could this possibly have?

And this is why I am angry at God.

When I look on their Facebook page, people are sending prayers, and condolences.  I find this somewhat ironic considering that the brand of Christianity Nick & Kristi believe in is a somewhat fundamentalist brand were they don’t believe in Free Will.  And that all things done, are done according to the Sovereign Will of God; the good and the bad.  Knowing the couple, the acceptance of God’s will is comforting to them.  That even though they lost their first child, they took comfort in the idea that it was all apart of God’s plan and according to his will.  They truly believe this in the depths of their heart.  But now just 18 months later they lose their second child, who wasn’t even 2 years old.  How does one take comfort in God’s will now?  How can one find comfort in God, when the God they believed in couldn’t even keep their two children safe?

I can’t help my emotions that if God was real, he would be totally & utterly useless, because he can’t even protect his own.  And whats worst, is that the christian is willing to offer prayers and condolences unto God, when the question should be where was God?  And how can prayer help them now?  How can references to God help now, when it didn’t help them the first time they lost their daughter?

I have to admit, it is somewhat selfish of me to be angry at God, when it’s not my children who were lost; after all I’m the atheist.  After all my children survived, but I want to be angry at God, even though he doesn’t exist.  I want to be angry at God for not protecting Nick and Kristi’s children.  For causing so much pain and hurt to Nick and Kristi.  For not being there for the people who are supposed to be your followers and believers.

R.I.P.   Obi and Amariah

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About M. Rodriguez

When I first received Christ salvation, I made it a priority to read the whole bible and I did. But it was the Bible that made me question my faith. For I found it flawed and lacking. Due to this I launched a personal inquiry/investigation into my faith, and ultimately realized that the Christian God of the Bible was indeed man-made. Now I Blog about those findings and life after Christ.
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9 Responses to I don’t believe in God, but I still hate him anyways

  1. This does not show that god is not there, rather it shows that believers are wont to believe silly crap and will act like YOU are the one that has issues. If they could see reality as it is they would not be saying what they say and god would have nothing to do with it.

    I’m glad that your family is safe.

  2. Noel says:

    M. Rodriguez, my condolences. It is without a doubt a terrible tragedy what happened to this family. I don’t understand either how can people maintain their faith intact in spite of repeated tragedies. But for some reason, they do, and that is something that people like us (who cannot imagine still praying to God after His “failure” to protect those who follow Him) should still respect and accept. In other words, even if I would be angry at God, I should be ok with those who are not.
    I have a friend who is a devoted Christian, who taught Bible school, and is a great spiritual role model, diagnosed with cancer and has weeks to live. I wonder, why would God allow people who have served him all of their lives to have to deal with death in a short period of time? People keep sending prayers to this dying person on Facebook, saying things like “God is great, He will not forsake you” and “Be strong in the Lord…” and I wonder, do these people have any idea what they are talking about? But at the same time I admire this friend who is dying, because her faith seems to be intact as well. I have been a bit bitter lately myself. that is why I can relate somehow with your post. But I still believe God exists. I am just not sure who this God really is. Whoever He is, he must have some incomprehensible reason to allow tragedies to occur to “his followers.” Or He simply is not involved at all. Not sure.
    Too bad you were put on the spot at church the day your family had the accident I don’t think Jesus would have agreed with this kind of pressure on you. He was about love, not manipulation, right?

  3. I am so sorry to hear about your friends loss…losing not just one, but two children in such a freaky way has to be heart rending beyond belief.

    I am also sorry to hear about your wife’s church teating you so badly. I don’t know how your wife feels about it, but that sort of behaviour by the pastor is inexcusable-in my oipinion.

    Not only did he publicly shame and condemn you-but he also blamed you for what happened to your family.

  4. unkleE says:

    Hi Marcus, that’s a very troubling sequence of events. I’m sorry for your wife and children’s trauma, your friends’ terrible double loss, and for the way the pastor addressed the issue publicly when he could, and should in my opinion, either said nothing or spoken privately to you.

    I am unable to understand or explain these things, and I can understand you feeling angry, even if you know, as you say, that it isn’t totally logical for you as a non-believer. The Psalms are fully of similar feeling and expression of frustration towards God.

    As a christian, I know the world contains a lot of evil, pain and suffering, and I don’t understand why. When that suffering comes close to me, I feel it deeply. But of course it is just part of what was there all along, only it is now affecting me personally. So while it is painful, it shouldn’t change my view of God.

    I have not experienced anything like your friends have, but obviously I too have experienced loss and difficulty. My thought as a christian is that I never signed up to following Jesus because i expected it to be easy or trauma free – in fact Jesus said it might be like carrying a cross. So I sincerely hope I never have to face such pain, but if I do, I hope I will simply think that I signed on (like a marriage) “in sickness and in health, in pleasure and in pain, etc” and press on. I am guessing your friends, on whose behalf you feel so badly, will be thinking something similar.

  5. Arkenaten says:

    This is too terrible, Marcus. My sincere condolences to you, your family and your friends.

    But don’t be angry at a god. Don’t even give it credence by labeling it and giving it a capital letter.
    You have left that behind. It is meaningless.

  6. Nate says:

    I am very sorry, Marcus.

  7. ... Zoe ~ says:

    I don’t know what to say. I’m angry at your pastor.

  8. Alice says:

    That is horrible. I know a family from our old church who lost an infant during a seizure due to fever. After that, the dad got brain cancer and then was later falsely accused of robbing a pharmacy. That family has been through nothing but hell for years and yet remain sure that God has a plan. I don’t know what to think.

  9. ... Zoe ~ says:

    How are you all doing Marcus? The aftermath of accidents can linger, both psychologically and physically? If this is too personal to ask I understand.

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