Since I’ve become a non-Christian, I have not attended any skeptic or atheist group meetups in my area. I have wanted and mentioned to my wife about visiting a UU church, but my wife has been firmly against that idea. Knowing that; going to an atheist meetup would not go over well with her and is definitely not a dinner table conversation. So I’ve decided to introduce this notion of atheism as slow and painless as possible. I’m pretty much playing the game of wait & see.
Well I’ve waited and let me tell you what I’ve seen so far. On the surface it does seem to be getting better. The heated discussions have mostly subsided, and they are not as frequent as they were in the beginning. However, there are still some little blow ups every once in a while and it seems to be getting better on the surface. However like I mentioned, it seems to be getting better (only) on the surface. For instance, instead of my wife being more open-minded and trying to find common ground in our marriage, it seems like she more stalling and playing the waiting game in the expectation that I will become a believing born-again Christian again. And the only reason she appears to be playing nice, is because she believes by faith, that I will be a Holy Ghost filled Christian again. What is the most bothersome thing about it is that she believes that if she prays more diligently, reads her word more continuously, go to church more religiously, and pay our tithe, things will go back to the way they use to be. That by these actions and being a good steward, and a faithful Christian, it will assist in bringing me back to salvation. She acts in a way that if tithe is not paid, God is disappointed in her actions and it will hurt my chances of being a Christian again. It actually hurts to watch this because there have been several nights and early mornings where she got up to pray on the patio for an hour or hour and a half. And to some this is not that big of a deal. But it hurts because watching her do these things day in and day out all in the hopes that I might be a Christian again saddens me. Cause it won’t happen, nor work, nor help. I have woke up from my delusion and I have no desire to be deluded again.
I am beginning to think that this peace treaty of mine of continuing to go to church with her as a family is actually doing more damage and harm than good. Because it is giving a false hope that I will be a Christian again.
The BitterSweet End 